It will take a long time for it to feel normal or safe to leave food out on the counter. The Monk would have had these within moments of me walking out the door.
Something else has occurred to me in the last few days. I've lost my main reason for procrastinating. I never fully realised how much time I spent sitting on my chair with a cup of tea or coffee just looking at Lucky. Being with him. Or not starting some tidying project I should be cracking on with because we're going out in an hour or so, and what's the point? Now, I have to clean. What a drag.
I went to work yesterday leaving the bedroom door open, something which would not have been possible before this past Friday. He would have been straight up there, rearranged the eight pillows into some perfect configuration to suit him, jumped in the middle, and settled in for the day.
So many huge interruptions to my routines, all of which revolved around him, and I miss every bit of it. Thinking about him, planning his day, timing everything I did in consideration of his needs, these were my joys. Now, they're gone with him. It's just the way of it, it's upsetting. It's how this goes, I know. I've been here before, and will be again.
But there are no regrets. We really did have a boy in a million. Such a dear dog, as one of his original family members once said to me. And one of the happiest thoughts I've had in the last few days is this: the majority of his personality and his huge way of being, his habits, all of the qualities that made him who he really was, almost all of that was just for John and I. All of the people out there in the town, even his friends, saw a big, beautiful, well behaved dog. A magnetic boy who everyone wanted to touch. But they didn't see most of him. The magic and brightness, the humour and silliness, the endless well of love and devotion. That was just for us, his family. All of that happened within these four walls. And I think it must be the same for everyone, and for all dogs. They are only truly themselves at home. Isn't that a happy thing to realise?
